This unfaithful husband interview – part I is very insightful. A question I, and myriads of other women, have wanted an honest answer to is given in this open, and seemingly honest conversation.  That question is, “how can you say you love her when you’re cheating on, and hurting her so badly?” His answer may not surprise you, but at least an answer other than, “I don’t know, I just do,” is given.  The man who offered this unfaithful husband interview, like the spouse from “Interview with a Philanderer”, would only do this under the promise of complete anonymity, so he too will simply be known as “husband.”  I hope this interview answers questions for you where perhaps you weren’t able to get satisfactory answers from a partner who was unfaithful to you.

Tisha: Hello, how are you today?

Husband: Hi, I’m actually a bit nervous.  I feel like I’m being exposed to the world.

(We both chuckle)

Tisha: Well I never tell people how they should feel, but I will say you will be completely anonymous, so if that’s part of your nervousness, please don’t worry about that.

Husband: It’s just that I’ve never really talked about this to anyone so (he takes a very long pause)…I guess I just feel vulnerable because I know you want absolute honesty for your readers and I wanna to be able to give you that, but I’m so used to lying to cover up my own insecurities that I’m not even sure I know how to tell the truth anymore.

Tisha: Wow, now that’s a starter if ever there was one.  So, you mentioned three things I didn’t expect to hear, feeling vulnerable, having insecurities, and doubts about your ability to be honest.  Let’s talk about each of those.  Perhaps if we dissect them individually, it won’t feel so overwhelming for you. 

Husband: Ok, sounds good.

Tisha: Let’s start with how long you’ve been married

Husband: 8 years.

Tisha: And are you still married?

Husband: Yes.

Tisha: Does your wife know about the affair?

Husband: Affairs, and to be perfectly honest, she only knows about one of them, this last one.

Tisha: Ohhhh, ok.  So with how many women have you been unfaithful during your 8-year marriage?

Husband: 5.

Tisha: Why does your wife only know about the one?

Husband: Because the other woman called her and told her.

Tisha: How was the other woman able to do that? I mean, did she confront her face to face? Or did she call her?

Husband: She got a hold of my phone one night while I went to the bathroom.  IDIOT!

(He YELLED the word “idiot” and totally caught me off guard)

Tisha: Wohh, that was unexpected.

Husband: Sorry about that.  Yeah, I still can’t believe I was so stupid.  If there’s a cheaters manual that’s number one!  You take your phone with you!

Tisha: Well in this crazy world, I’m sure there IS a cheater’s manual, but more to the point.  I take it that if this other woman hadn’t contacted your wife, you wouldn’t have fessed up on your own?

Husband: To be honest…probably not.

Tisha: Wow this interview can go in so many different directions.  Give me a second to figure out where to go with what you’ve just told me.

(I take a few seconds to gather my thoughts)

Tisha: Ok, thank you for giving me a moment. How did you find out the other woman was able to get your wife’s phone number?

Husband: Well she didn’t contact her right away.  It wasn’t until I told her I was breaking it off that she went full bit** on me.

Tisha: So, that’s not surprising at all. The other woman who was good enough to sleep with, and cheat on your wife with quickly became the “bit**” because of the situation you got yourself into. Ok, tell me more.

Husband: Well that wasn’t dripping with sarcasm was it?

Tisha: You’ll get used to it.

(We both laugh)

Husband: Well, you’re not going to like me, but I was ready to move on to another woman, so I was breaking it off with that one. I thought we both understood that it wasn’t ever going to be more than just a fling, but she started telling me she wanted to be with me, and that’s when it’s really time to get out. She told me she would call my wife and tell her if I left her. That’s when I asked her how she planned to do that, and that’s when she told me she got her phone number one night when I was in the bathroom.

Tisha: Did she really think that blackmailing you was a way to your heart, and a way to keep you?

Husband: You’re a woman, you tell me.  Makes no sense to me either.

(We both give chuckle)

Tisha: So did you give in to her threat?  I mean, did you continue on in the affair a bit longer to better plan your exit?

Husband: Hell no!

Tisha: Did you not take her threat seriously?

Husband: No I didn’t. I wish I had.

Tisha: Why do you wish you had?

Husband: Because she went through with her threat. She called my wife as soon as I left.

Tisha: How did you know she called as soon as you left?

Husband: Because my phone rang about 20 minutes or so after I left her place and I saw it was my wife.  I just knew. I just felt something in me sinking. I just had a feeling this was going to be really bad.

Tisha: So how did that play out?

Husband: I didn’t answer, I couldn’t answer.

Tisha: Why not?

Husband: I needed time to get my thoughts together. I wasn’t ready to deal with the fallout.

Tisha: Were you trying to figure out lies to tell you wife to cover yourself, or were you trying to steady yourself to tell her the truth?

Husband: Both. Of course any man’s first instinct is to lie, but I also knew she had probably spoken with her and asked her questions and gotten answers that would make lying impossible.

Tisha: So did you decide you were going to be honest?

Husband: I decided I would play it by ear.  I needed to know what she knew first, so I called the other woman to find out what she told my wife.

Tisha: Oh, that’s interesting.  How did that conversation go?

Husband: I was livid of course but I knew I couldn’t go off or I wouldn’t get any answers.  I called her and just asked her why. She said she wasn’t going to just let me treat her like a piece of trash I can just throw away. I asked her what she told my wife and she said she was sure my wife would fill me in and hung up.

Tisha: Did you call your wife after that?

Husband: No, I went to a bar and had a couple of drinks first.  I was so, I mean I was kind of in a fog. I never really gave any thought to what I would do if my wife ever found out I was messing around. All I could think about was what I was going to do if she left me.  I thought about how disappointed my parents were going to be when they found out I was getting a divorce.

Tisha: You had already decided that your marriage was over?

Husband: No, I didn’t want a divorce, but my wife had told me even before we were married that if I ever cheated on her it would be over.

Tisha: So here’s my question.  If you knew beforehand that you had a woman who would not put up with that, why would you do it anyway?  Actually, I’m sorry, I have to ask another question first.  Why get married if you weren’t ready to be monogamous?

Husband: Because she is an amazing woman. She is unlike any other woman I’ve ever met.  She is as close to perfect as a person can get. I knew from the moment I met her that she was the one.

Tisha: But you didn’t answer my question.  Why get married if you weren’t ready to commit to total monogamy? Why choose to marry her and then utterly break her heart? That makes no sense. Didn’t you know before you got married to her that you were not yet ready to be with only one woman? Why put yourself in that predicament?

(He pauses for a few seconds)

Husband: Ok, here’s that vulnerability and insecurity that makes me really uncomfortable. 

Tisha: Ok, take your time.  You’re about to answer questions that even I can’t wait to hear the answers to.

(He lets out an audible sigh)

Husband: I did know I wasn’t ready to settle down with only one woman before I married her. I knew that because I was cheating on her the entire time we were together.  But I married her because I’m a selfish a**hole. I couldn’t imagine my life without her, and I wasn’t going to let her go so some other man could have this amazing woman.  I know it’s cliché, but the honest answer is I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.  I wanted the perfect wife at home that took care of me, and the other women who make my ego stay inflated. I need to feel needed by my wife, but I also need to feel wanted by other women.  Does that make sense?

Tisha: Without agreeing with what you’ve done, I can say yes I understand the modality of what you’re saying.  Your wife fulfills your needs, the other women fulfill your wants.

Husband: Exactly!

Tisha: So in order to fulfill your selfish desires, you were willing to risk devastating the wife you say is as close to perfect as a person can get.

Husband: But we don’t really think of the risk. I know that sounds stupid, but we don’t.

Tisha: Do you think if you thought about the “what if’s” that that might have helped keep you from doing this type of stuff?

Husband: Maybe.  Maybe for some, but probably not for most. If I had played out scenarios in my mind where my wife found out and left me, I’m still not sure that would have been enough to stop me from cheating.

Tisha: Why not?

Husband: Because when you’re insecure and selfish, all you can think about is what YOU want, and what YOU need. At home I’m a good husband. I take very good care of my wife. I give her anything she wants and needs.

Tisha: Except the one thing she really wants and needs, a faithful husband who really loves her.

Husband: Oh I DO love my wife?

Tisha: See that’s where women have a huge problem.  When a cheating partner professes to “love” their significant other. When did the definition of love change to include lying, cheating, degrading, disrespecting, shaming etcetera, etcetera? Why do you think you get to just throw around that word as if saying you love her makes it true despite the fact that you’re doing the complete opposite of what love really is?  How can you say you love her when you’re cheating on, and hurting her so badly?

Husband: Because even though I messed around, there is…

You’ll have to wait until next week to find out this husband’s rather interesting answer to this burning question.

I certainly would love to have your feedback and/or comments on this, or any of my other posts.  Please be sure and read some of the real-life letters from wives to mistresses (and mistresses to wives) in my previous blogs.  They are excerpts from my upcoming book, “Woman to Woman: Letters from Wives to Mistresses.”

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