Trying to get this interview with a philanderer – part I, was not easy at all! Entering chat rooms for adulterers was so uncomfortable, and quite frankly made my blood boil. It took everything in me not to get involved in their conversations, and express my disappointment and disgust for the complete lack of shame that was being expressed as I scanned the posts looking for potential interviewees. However, to get an interview with a philanderer I knew I had to stay level-headed, and non-judgmental in order to be bold enough to ask them if they would be willing to talk to me, and share their stories with my readers. Anyway, after posting many requests in a number of forums, 2 men finally decided they would allow me to interview them. I don’t know exactly which of the men from which forum answered my posted request. My call simply stated my purpose, and asked any who were interested to reach out to me via email. I’m sure I don’t even need to tell you they asked for complete anonymity. They didn’t want to use first name only, last name only, not even one of their initials! So, he will only be known by the title “husband” for this interview.
The interview with the wife was touching, the interview with “the other woman” was intriguing, but I gotta tell you, talking with these men who opened up to tell all in an effort to help me out, and perhaps to assuage some of their guilt, were eye-opening. I will post the interview with the other husband after this 2-part interview.
Get ready readers. Here is my interview with a philanderer – Part I.
LeTisha: I don’t even know if thank you is enough, but thank you so much for agreeing to do this interview for me and my readers.
Husband: You’re welcome. This is completely anonymous right? I know you said it would be, I’m just double-checking.
LeTisha: More like quadruple-checking
(we both laugh)
LeTisha: Yes, no one will ever know who gave this interview. You will just be known as “husband.”
Husband: But isn’t this call being recorded?
LeTisha: Yes, but once the call ends, I get a transcription of our conversation, and the conversation itself will be deleted.
Husband: Do you think it’s possible someone could figure out it’s me?
LeTisha: I guess it’s possible someone will recognize your voice from THE WORDS ON THE PAPER…(we both burst into laughter)
Husband: Ok that was a stupid question. I’m just really nervous. I feel like talking about this out loud will lead someone to figuring out it’s me.
Tisha: Well let me assure you again, no names will be used besides my own, and unfortunately as you know from the chat forum you participate in, there are a lot of other men being unfaithful, so there’s no way for someone to figure out that it’s you giving this interview.
Husband: Yeah that’s true. That recognizing my voice from writing on paper was pretty funny.
LeTisha: Well, I’m glad we could get some laughter in. Hopefully you’ll remember it so you won’t hate me as I ask you some deeply personal questions.
Husband: Well I knew what I was getting myself into.
LeTisha: I don’t think you did, but let’s get into it anyway. Let me start by asking how long you’ve been, or had you been, married?
Husband: 15, wait no…yeah 15 years
LeTisha: Are you still married?
Husband: Thankfully yes
LeTisha: From that answer I take it that your wife knows about the affair.
Husband: No, she doesn’t
LeTisha: Oh ok. When you said “thankfully yes,” my first thought was that she knew, and decided to stay with you.
Husband: No, she doesn’t know. I said that because I’m not an easy man to put up with.
LeTisha: So, you’re not easy to put up with in general, so you decided adding cheater to your character flaws would do what?
Husband: Uh oh, I didn’t know what I was getting into did I?
LeTisha: We’re both adults. I’m not a journalist like I told you in the email. I’m an ex-wife who has a book coming out related to this subject, and I write a weekly blog centered around adultery. I’ll do my very best to be objective, but this is a deeply personal subject for me, so I’m going to ask questions that women like me rarely get answers to from our husbands who have done this to us. Do you still want to do this?
(He pauses for about 5 seconds. I thought the interview was going to end)
Husband: Yeah, I’ll do it. It’s the least I can do considering all I’ve done.
LeTisha: Thank you. I really do appreciate it. So, you said you’re thankful your wife has remained with you for 15 years in spite of the fact that you’re not an easy man to put up with. So did you think that having an affair would make you a better husband somehow?
Husband: I know it might sound ridiculous, but on some level I did. I thought that if I had someone else on the side who would also have to put up with me, that might take some of the weight of how I am off my wife. I know that doesn’t make sense to you, but I know lots of husbands who think and feel that way. If we have someone else we can kind of take out our frustrations on, then that leaves less to put on our wives.
LeTisha: So wait a minute. You’re saying, and please correct me if I’m misunderstanding, you can only be nice to your wife if you have another woman on the side who you can be a jerk to, so that you’re not so much of a jerk to your wife?
LeTisha: I thought I heard it all. Wow. I don’t think I knew what I was getting into.
(we both exert a nervous type of chuckle)
LeTisha: Ok, so did it work? Were you nicer to your wife during the affair?
Husband: Actually, yes, much nicer.
LeTisha: Did your wife notice the change?
LeTisha: Did she ask you about it? Like, did she ask you why you were acting differently?
Husband: Yes. She asked what was going on? She thought maybe I was seeing a Therapist or something.
LeTisha: What did you say?
Husband: I just told her I was trying to be a better husband because that’s what she deserves.
LeTisha: And she believed you?
Husband: Why wouldn’t she. I mean, I was being nicer.
LeTisha: You do see the fatal flaw in that thought process right? You tell her she deserves a husband who treats her kindly, but you’re cheating on her which is one of the worse things you can do. How do you reconcile that in your mind?
Husband: I don’t really think about it. As long as she’s happy, that’s what matters.
LeTisha: Happy. Hmmm. So as long as your wife is blissfully unaware of what you’re doing, you think what you’re doing is working, therefore having an affair, in your mind, is ok?
Husband: It’s not that I think cheating is ok. I do know it’s wrong. I just think I found a way where everybody’s happy.
LeTisha: You mean you found a way to fulfill your desires and you’re happy. Have a woman on the side who does what you want AND puts up with your not-too-nice personality, and a wife at home who is fully committed to you, and also would put up with your not so nice self. You do know all that means is you’re looking out for no one but yourself right?
Husband: I’m looking out for my wife too?
LeTisha: How? If she were to find out about the affair, do you think when you tell her that you did it for her happiness that she’s going to thank you?
Husband: She’s not going to find out.
LeTisha: But if she does, do you think she will be okay with it when you tell her you did it so you could find a way to be “nicer” to her?
Husband: Well when you put it that way, no.
LeTisha: You’re living in an unrealistic fantasy world. The only person who is happy is you. The only person really getting anything out of the affair is you. Did you ever consider trying a therapist to work out whatever it was that made you not the nicest person? I mean, wouldn’t that have been a better choice than cheating on your wife?
Husband: Never really thought about it. I guess that might have been a better choice.
LeTisha: You think? So, how long did you have the affair?
Husband: It’s been about a year now.
LeTisha: Wait, you’re still with the other woman to this day?
Husband: Yeah, I thought you knew that. The chat room you posted in is for men currently having affairs.
LeTisha: I didn’t realize that. I tried not to read too much of what was being posted. Ok wow, give me a second to process that.
Husband: What’s the difference? Whether I’m cheating now, or cheated years ago, does that really matter?
LeTisha: I guess not. I do think that once affairs end, and wives or husbands come to find out about their spouses’ infidelities, the thought processes of the accused are often quite different after they’re exposed than when they’re still having the affair. The other husband who agreed to interview let me know his affair was a couple of years ago, and his interview was very different than this one because he’s had to deal with the fallout of what he did. His thoughts on why he started the affair were also self-centered; he also hadn’t thought of the potential fallout and devastation while he was having the affair. He also had self-serving reasons for why he did it, but being caught and seeing how it affected his entire family made him realize his excuses for having an affair were just that…excuses.
Husband: So I take it his interview is more about how bad he feels for what he did.
LeTisha: That’s a part of it. But he was very forthcoming just as you’re being, about why he did it. So, let’s get back to you now that I know you’re still having the affair. Where did you meet her?
Husband: We’ve known her just about all our lives.
LeTisha: Wait…”we,” who is “we?”
Husband: Oh um…
(He pauses, after a few seconds he lets out a huge sigh, and says…)
Husband: My wife and I.
LeTisha: Your wife knows the woman you’re having an affair with?
Husband: Yes, it’s…
To find out who this husband is having an affair with, be sure to come back next week when I post the conclusion.
Please stick around, and read some of the real-life letters from wives to mistresses in my previous blogs. They are excerpts from my upcoming book, “Woman to Woman: Letters from Wives to Mistresses.”
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