In last weeks unfaithful husband Interview – Part I, we left off where this husband was attempting to try and reconcile “loving” his wife while being a serial cheater. Let’s jump back in for my unfaithful husband interview – conclusion.
Tisha: See that’s where women have a HUGE problem. When a cheating partner professes to “love” their significant other. When did the definition of love change to include lying, cheating, degrading, disrespecting, shaming, etcetera, etcetera? Why do you think you get to just throw around that word as if saying you love her makes it true despite the fact that you’re doing the complete opposite of what love really is? How can you say you love her when you’re cheating on, and hurting her so badly?
Husband: Because even though I messed around, there is a whole other side to me. I show her love by taking care of her. I provided her with the house she wanted, and where she wanted it. I’ve given her the car she wanted, the clothes she wanted, the social status she wanted. I make her laugh. I listen to her when she talks. So I know those things I do come from my love for her.
Tisha: And do you really not get that she would trade all those things for your faithfulness?
(He paused for a few seconds)
Husband: I don’t care what anybody says, I love my wife.
Tisha: And you’ve proven that how? By lying to her? By marrying her under false pretenses? By cheating on her? By allowing her to find out about your affair from the other woman? Which of those things is love?
Husband: None of that is love, I get that. I’m not stupid. I know that none of that is loving, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I love my wife.
Tisha: When you love someone, you find a way to put there needs before your own. If you really loved your wife, you would have put her feelings, and your marriage vows before your ego, and your selfish desires. THAT’S the true meaning of love. You don’t’ get to change the meaning of love because it sounds good. Love is real. Love is not a game. Adultery is not a “mistake,” which is another word people misuse time and time again, to deflect. Love is in what you do, not in what you say. And your actions are anything but loving.
Husband: So are you saying I don’t love my wife?
Tisha: No, it’s actually you whose showing with your actions that you don’t truly love your wife. It’s not about me. It’s about you.
Husband: Sounds like you’re making it about you.
Tisha: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t affected by what you’re saying. I’m not a journalist, so yes my bias shows. I’m an ex-wife whose husband claimed to love me, but nothing he did in his actions proved that love. So, yes I have a very hard time accepting the definition of “love” that people who hurt other people, intentionally mind you, just throw around.
Husband: Do you have any other questions?
Tisha: Yes. What happened when you got back home after your wife got that call?
Husband: I walked in, she was sitting on the couch…crying. I immediately felt like sh**. I remember just standing there, asking myself “what have I done?” That’s actually when the question actually entered my mind…”was it worth the risk?”
Tisha: And was it?
Husband: Of course not.
Tisha: You say “of course not,” but not too long ago you said that even if you had thought about the risks, it probably wouldn’t have stopped you from cheating. I’m confused.
Husband: None of it makes sense. You’re trying to make sense out of a something that doesn’t! Is this interview almost over?
Tisha: Yes. May I ask, do you want the interview over because of how I’m making you feel, or is it those feelings of insecurity and vulnerability that‘s making you want to stop?
Tisha: Ok. Well just tell me what ended up happening in a nutshell.
Husband: We talked for hours. I had never seen her like that, and don’t ever want to see her like that again. Surprisingly she didn’t kick me out. We decided to go to marriage counseling, and I agreed to do some counseling on my own to deal with my own sh**.
Tisha: And are you really committed to change, or did you only agree to hold on to your wife?
Husband: No, I want to be a better husband. I really did see how much I hurt my wife. She didn’t…she doesn’t deserve that. No wife deserves that.
Tisha: That’s great. Any words of wisdom for other unfaithful husbands out there that might read this?
Husband: Not really. Each man has to come to his own moment of truth. I’m in no position to give anyone advice about marriage. All I know is I love my wife and what I did to her, how she looked at me that night, how sometimes she still looks at me…
(he took a pause, cleared his throat; sounded as if he was getting choked up)
Husband: I just don’t ever want to see that look again. I don’t ever again want to be the reason my wife’s heart is crushed. I really hurt her. I guess I can offer that to other husbands.
Husband: If you have a good wife, a great wife, I promise you don’t want to be the reason that the light goes out in her eyes. That’s what I saw that night. I saw emptiness when my wife looked at me. The shame I felt was heavy. It’s still heavy. I realized I can be better than a selfish ego-driven a**hole. My wife deserves better than that.
Tisha: You too deserve better than that. Carrying around those feelings is not easy. I commend you for being willing to admit that. I really and truly hope you and your wife can come together and make whole again what’s been broken. It won’t be easy. But I can tell you, if my ex had had the same revelations at the time, we might still be together, so there is real hope that you can get through this and come out on the other side together.
Husband: I hope so.
Tisha: Well, this is the end of the interview. I really can’t thank you enough for doing this for me, and for my readers.
Husband: You’re tough (he laughs), but you’re welcome.
I’m sure you all can tell that wasn’t an easy interview for me. I have a very difficult time with these new, mangled definitions of things that society tries to put forward in an effort to cast aside it’s flaws. You don’t get to change the definition of a pure word, such as love, so you can use it to hide who you really are. You don’t get to change the meaning of marriage for the convenience of what you wish it to be. If you don’t want to be faithful, then don’t get married. If you don’t really love a person, then don’t string them along and tell them you do. It’s that simple. Anything else just means you’re being selfish, and though you recognize there will be consequences for what you do, you somehow manage to convince yourself that you’re an exception to the rule and you won’t have to face who you truly are as a person, and more to the point, as an adulterer.
When you cheat, you are messing with a person’s heart and mind. You have made much more than just a “mistake.” You are making a choice to purposefully change who a person is. You are affecting their self-worth, their ideals, and their perception of not just you…but themselves! If you believe you really love a person, then at the very least, leave if you feel you cannot offer them the fidelity of which they are worthy.
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Be sure to “Like” my Facebook page so you can be a part of my LIVE photo shoot on Saturday, September 21, 2019! My photo shoot, with renowned photographer, Brad Olson — whose photography artistry is in the archives of “Vogue Italia,” will take place from 8 a.m.-11 a.m. MST. I will be recording live beginning with hair & make-up at 7. I hope you’ll join in for the fun. The shoot is for the back cover of my book, the Author’s page on the inside, and to update my portfolio. Hope to you see you there!
(*photo depiction does not represent identity of interviewee)