“I Broke My Own Heart”
Time is going by so quickly, and the truth of the matter is it has been many years since the demise of my marriage. I told you all before that one of the things I hoped to accomplish while writing my memoir was the healing of my shattered heart.
The truth of the matter is I still struggle with remaining feelings of hurt, but more than that, I’m still dealing with feelings of guilt and disappointment. The disappointment is not with him and what he did, the truth of the matter is I’m still upset at what I allowed to happen to me. I’m working on being a stronger person who will never again allow someone to break me.
Many people say “just get over it,” but it’s not that easy. What you have to understand is that I’m not just trying to get over the betrayals. I had completely lost who I was in that marriage. During that time my own mother asked me, “who are you? where is my daughter?” I still cry when I remember her asking me that; and she had good reason.
I moved to California with big dreams. I was there doing what I loved, what came natural to me, being in front of the camera. Things were going in the right direction for me too. I was taking acting classes, booking various gigs, working and having the time of my life.
Unfortunately, I did what far too many women do when we fall in love, I completely lost who I was when I met the man who became the love of my life. I stopped living for me and slowly began to exist in a world that only revolved around my pursuit of making that man love me as much as I loved him. I disappeared into him. I still have a hard time when I go back to live in California because for 12 years of my life there, he was all I knew. My every thought and action had to do with him. That’s my fault, and the truth of the matter is I haven’t forgiven myself for the emotional abuse I allowed to go on and on. Those scars are so deep that I’ve been single for almost 9 years. I mean S-I-N-G-L-E…not a hand hold, not a kiss…NOTHING!
My accepting responsibilty for what happened doesn’t lessen my ex’s, or his mistresses culpability in the situation, but fact of the matter is I chose to stay, and trying to figure out WHY I let myself be treated that way takes real introspection, and time. I was so low that I would have needed to climb up just to get to the bottom! That is why the self-loathing is proving hard to work through. I knew better. I had strong women examples in my family. Women who knew how to leave and not think a thing about it when a man didn’t treat them with respect. If I had a friend telling me they were dealing with a situation like mine, I would have had all the right advice to get them to see they deserved so much better, but for some reason I wasn’t able to be a friend to myself. In that sense, I broke my own heart.
I’m sharing this with you because I want you to know the real me, and the truth of the matter is I’m still a bit broken inside. Hopefully you understand better why telling someone to “just get over it” is easier said than done. So be patient with that friend that is still wounded from a hurt. I promise you they’re not wanting to wallow in pain; they’re not just seeking attention; they’re not over-exaggerating for drama sake. I am them, so I can say most assuredly that the hurt is real, and the scar is deep.
To anyone who is working through heartache…I’m here for you. Don’t stop working on yourself. To get through it you have to be honest with yourself. I highly recommend doing things you did before that relationship became your life. I chose to write because being creative is what I loved before that time in my life. Also, be open, talk with a best friend, write a blog, or perhaps see a therapist so you don’t keep everything just festering inside. And lastly, I recommend telling yourself everyday that you are loved…by you.
I am definitely someone you can come to. Some might question how someone like me, who is still hurting, can possibly help someone else. I’ll tell you what, if a drug addict was telling you not to do drugs, of course many would say the same thing, “you’re on drugs, why should I listen to you?” Well dear readers, the truth of the matter is, that is EXACTLY who you need to listen to! Because who better to tell you the REAL effects drugs would have on your life? The same goes for me. My experience and journey to healing can help others because I lived it, I will always speak the truth, and even if the truth stings a little, you’ll know it’s coming from someone who truly cares about you and empathizes.
So, in closing, yes I’m still tending to my emotional wound, but it’s not all about him. I’m still working on forgiving myself. I didn’t hesitate to forgive my ex when he sincerely apologized, but forgiving myself isn’t coming quite as easily, but I’ll get there.
Thank you all for your kind words. I even appreciate the comments and feedback from those who would tell me to “just get over it.” I choose to believe they aren’t belittling me or my feelings, they just want me to move on to happiness for my own sake, and to that end I say thank you.
Please, write to me if you just need an ear, if you have questions and/or need support. I’m here for any of you.
I hope you’ll stick around and read other posts here on my site. I know you’ll enjoy the excerpts from my upcoming memoir, “Woman to Woman: Letters from Wives to Mistresses.”
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