We’ve all seen the Talk Shows that give a whole 60 minutes to the topic of cheating spouses or the mistress – and not even a full 60 minutes if you consider the commercials. However, 60 minutes doesn’t come close to the time needed to delve into the real, underlying and devastating damage that adultery causes. This is a long-standing problem that needs a real platform where we women can come together and openly discuss, NOT why the men cheat, but why we women seem to take pleasure in hurting one another when we make the purposeful decision to get involved with one another’s husbands.
This woman’s “Letter from a Mistress” came to me only a couple of weeks ago, but because the book is completed I asked her if she would do an interview for my readers, to which she agreed. It was so hard for me to maintain my composure because…well, you’ll understand why soon. Hold on ladies, here is my…interview with “the problem”. She opted for complete anonymity.
LeTisha: Good morning.
(I can already sense the tension)
LeTisha: First I’d like to thank you for doing this interview for me and my readers.
Woman: You might not want to thank me yet.
LeTisha: Why do you say that?
Woman: Because I don’t think you’re gonna like what I have to say.
LeTisha: Well, whether I like what you say or not, I respect your input and I do appreciate your willingness to do this. In writing my book I already knew there would be many women, both wives and mistresses, that would disagree with the stance I take. So, again, whether we agree or not, I do thank you for doing this for me.
Woman: Ok, in that case…you’re welcome. What you just said actually makes me feel a little less defensive about this whole thing.
LeTisha: What whole thing?
Woman: You, your book, your blog.
LeTisha: And what about me or what I’ve written has hit you the wrong way? Especially the me part…you don’t even know me.
Woman: No I don’t, but I know women like you who look to blame other women for the problems in your marriage.
LeTisha: Well that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Women like me, whose husbands have been unfaithful, don’t put the blame for our problems on the other woman. We cast the blame for ONE problem on women like yourself. Just one.
Woman: Ok that’s fair, but that ONE problem you blame on us is bullsh**! How do you claim to want to build up our sisterhood when you’re judging other women and blaming us for something YOUR husband did?
LeTisha: Fair question. First, merely pointing out facts or having an opinion does not equate to judging someone. Just because someone says something you don’t agree with, doesn’t mean they’ve judged you or your differing opinion. As far as blame…there’s more than enough to go around.
Woman: But how is that building up our sisterhood? You claim that’s what all this is about, and I’m calling foul on that because there’s no way in hell someone like me would want to be close to someone like you who blames other women for their problems.
LeTisha: Nowhere have I said that by strengthening our sisterhood that that meant we were going to each be close or be one another’s besties. What I’m stating and working towards is instilling a sense a loyalty to our sisterhood whereby we, at minimum, close ranks when it comes to wantonly being a part of tearing each other’s families apart. Our unfaithful husband’s didn’t cheat with the wind…they cheated with a woman like you who had little to no regard for their sister they would be helping to hurt in indescribable ways. The only way for us to strengthen our sisterhood is to first have real conversations, like this one, which gives both sides a voice so we can better understand each other. Women listen, we care deeply, we sympathize, we get it…so that’s why my book and my blog focuses on us, because we’re the solution to this awful problem.
Woman: How am I the solution to your husband sticking his d*** in any woman who’ll have him? I just don’t get that.
LeTisha: Because in a consensual sexual affair…we hold the power. We say yes, and we say no. If you had said no to that woman’s husband, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
(a long silence)
LeTisha: Do you get that?
Woman: Yes and no.
LeTisha: Let’s start with the yes. So you do understand that in that consensual sexual relationship you had…
Woman: Still having.
LeTisha: Ok, in the consensual affair you’re having…if you say no, what happens?
Woman: He usually begs for it or buys me something to soften me up.
LeTisha: But if you say no and mean it…what happens between you two?
Woman: Nothing happens.
LeTisha: And that’s EXACTLY my point!
Woman: But that’s completely unrealistic. Adultery has been around forever. Me saying no to one husband isn’t going to fix the problem.
LeTisha: That’s where my book brings into perspective the bigger picture. Our sisterhood isn’t just made up of you and me. It’s made up of you, the woman next door, the woman at the bus stop, the woman on the airplane, the woman overseas. Together we all make up this sisterhood, and if each one of those women says “no” to a married man seeking to cheat…then they have nowhere to go, and no women to cheat with. I say in my book that many will say “if it’s not me it’ll be another woman.” That actually helps to make my point. If all of us are loyal to the sisterhood, then this behavior that keeps us divided, which actually continues to make us each other’s worse enemies, can be done away with. That doesn’t mean we’ll always get along, it doesn’t even have to mean we all like one another, but what it does mean is that we will no longer be contributing to the obliteration of each other’s family’s.
Woman: Look, I’m not saying I don’t get that. I just think what you’re trying to do is unrealistic.
LeTisha: Is it unrealistic because you yourself have no intention of being part of the solution? Because you have no intention of ending the affair you’re in?
(a long silence)
Woman: I mean…no, I don’t. I love him.
LeTisha: So does his wife. My question to you is…why do you think you don’t deserve to have his whole heart and devotion? Why are you okay with having less than?
Woman: It’s not really a matter of being ok with it…you can’t help who you fall on love with.
LeTisha: Now that’s the stuff of fairy tales. We are grown women, and this is not a romantic-comedy. We absolutely do have the ability to control who we give our love to. What you said works well in a movie script, but this is real life, and in this thing called life we have choices…you have a choice. Either be a part of the problem between us, or be a part of the healing between us. THAT is a choice.
Woman: So you’re saying my one little affair is the cause of the rift between us?
LeTisha: That’s exactly what I’m saying. Your affair, her affair over there, and her affair over there and so on, and so on. Affairs are not “little” things where no one gets hurt. Trust me. If you choose to read my book when it comes out and you read my personal story and the letters from other wives, you will understand that affairs are not “little.”
Woman: You’re putting too much emphasis on one word I said.
LeTisha: Because that’s where it belongs. You’re not the only mistress who sees affairs as no big deal, it’s a very big deal.
Woman: Not for me. I’m getting what I want out of it.
LeTisha: And so to hell with your sister on the other side right? Her broken heart means absolutely nothing to you?
Woman: I’m not saying that.
LeTisha: Then what are you saying?
Woman: Just that we’re all adults and I’m getting what I want out of it and his wife, who puts up with it, must be getting something out of it too.
LeTisha: So you’ve found a way to justify your part in the hurting another woman?
(a really long silence)
LeTisha: You still there?
Woman: Yeah, I’m still here. Just…I can honestly say I never thought about it like that.
LeTisha: And that’s why “Woman to Woman” is so important. We as women need to think about it in that light. His wife isn’t invisible, you can’t ignore her. To ignore what she’s going through is to ignore your own heart and feelings.
Woman: How’s that?
LeTisha: Because if you ever get married, I promise, you’ll want the next woman to think about your feelings. If your husband cheats on you and you hear his mistress say she didn’t think about what she was doing to you, not only will that be disheartening, but it’ll piss you off too. The wives of these husbands have the same feelings as you, except you’re hurting their feelings while they’re trying to figure out why you don’t seem to have any feelings.
Woman: So I’m just supposed to ignore my feelings for him and walk away?
LeTisha: What you’re supposed to do is have more respect for yourself and know that you too deserve way more than you’re getting. It makes me sad that women have somehow been made to believe that getting half of a man’s heart is good enough. It’s not. His wife, and you, both deserve a man who can and will give his whole heart to one woman in a marriage. Anything less than that speaks more to how we see ourselves than his lack of self-control.
Woman: I still have a problem with women like you blaming me. You need to deal with your men.
LeTisha: Women like me? You mean a woman who is asking her sisters to think about her, to show compassion for her before women like you take it upon yourselves to treat us like we don’t matter? A woman who is asking you to have the same respect for me as you would want me to have for you if the roles were reversed?
Woman: Spin it however you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that the husband is the one you need to deal with.
LeTisha: Of course we do, but let’s be honest, we’ve talked to them til we’re blue in the face. I think it’s time we talk to each other because remember what I said earlier…if we all say no, they have no woman to turn to. I chose to address women only in my book because we are the power and the force for healing the rift among us. I know I won’t change every woman’s mind, but I know it’ll make a difference.
LeTisha: Because, you said it yourself…you hadn’t really thought about his wife or his wife’s feelings, well “Woman to Woman” will make it impossible for women to easily cast each other aside as nameless, faceless beings with nothing to lose. We all have something to lose be it our self-worth, our family, our self-respect, or our much-needed sisterhood. You can’t honestly believe that what you’re doing is ok.
Woman: I never said it was ok.
LeTisha: But your actions say otherwise.
Woman: I just…I’m in love with him now.
LeTisha: I understand that, but you do realize that you love a man who is proving to you that he’s dishonest and a cheater right? You do get that don’t you? He’s not all of a sudden Honest Abe because he’s with you. You do get that he’s inflicting an unbearable pain on the woman he vowed to cherish and love, so what do you think he’s capable of doing to you when he’s ready to move on?
Woman: He’s not leaving me, he’s leaving her. He won’t do that to me when we get married.
LeTisha: And you’re ok with that? You’re ok with marrying a man who has already showed you that marriage vows mean nothing to him? You’re ok with him leaving his family for you? Even if you can’t muster up some compassion for his wife, where is the love you should have for yourself?
Woman: Now you’re taking it too far! Who are you to say that I don’t love myself? Maybe your self-righteousness is why your husband found someone else!
LeTisha: Nope, he cheated because of who he was, and because women like you who make up excuses for them and for yourselves. If me asking you to analyze how you feel about yourself causes you to basically give cause to a man who tore my heart out for purely selfish reasons, then I can definitely conclude that you will not be one of the women who will be a part of strengthening our sisterhood. I just hope you don’t need that sisterhood one day because you reap what you sow.
(she then hangs up on me)
I will always be open with my readers. I cried so hard when this interview ended. Not because she insulted me, and certainly not because she hung up on me (we weren’t getting anywhere), but because it did feed into that remaining part of me that is still broken, insecure and deals with that voice that makes my self-worth hang in the balance sometimes.
I still have very raw and tender feelings linked to what my ex and his mistress put me through. I have been single going on 9-years now, not because opportunity hasn’t been there, but because my heart and mind cannot even fathom the possibility of going through that again…yes, I’m afraid, so I’ve been in self-protection mode for years.
I also cried after this interview with “the problem” out of sheer anger because it bugs me that there are women like this one who make a purposeful choice to be a part of devastating another woman in this way. Women have come so far, but yet and still, in this way, we are mortal enemies, and it’s the one area, I believe, which keeps us from running the world like Queen Bey sang.
I’m not giving up though. I believe in my sisters and I need our sisterhood…ladies, we all do. Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.
I can’t wait to get your comments and feedback on this interview, or any of my other posts. Thank you all for your kindness and continued support.