I am sure many of us experienced a wave of emotions as TL shared her rawest, and most personal emotions as she found out from a mistress, that her husband of 22-years may have been having an affair. Here now is the conclusion of interview with a scorned wife. We will pick up where TL was pulling herself together so she could get ready to confront her husband, and find out the truth.
TL: When I got up off the floor, I went to the bathroom to rinse my face. I felt relief for the moment realizing that all of what she said could be a complete lie. My head and heart were in total conflict with each other. My heart believed it was true, my head was being more rational. While I was drying my face, I heard the garage door open. I almost fainted. My heart fell in my stomach. I didn’t know how I was even going to broach the subject. I didn’t even know how to approach him. Our norm was a kiss and a hug anytime one of us returned home. I remember looking in the mirror, and telling myself…”just don’t lose it before you even get the question out.” I turned off the light, looked at myself in the mirror again, and headed back to the living room. I remember shaking all over, and feeling like I wanted to throw up.
TL: Because I had question’s I didn’t really want the answers to.
LeTisha: Yeap, many of us know that feeling.
TL: My last thought before I saw him was, ‘am I going to end my marriage if he tells me it’s true?’ I saw him, he came toward me to kiss and hug me, and I just collapsed into his arms. He hugged me so tightly. Now looking back on that moment, it was almost as if he knew that I knew and didn’t want to let me go, ‘cause that hug just went on and on.
LeTisha: How did you feel being in his arms at that moment?
TL: Yeah it is. The same person that was already unraveling my self-confidence, was also making me feel whole in that moment. I didn’t want the hug to end. I didn’t want to have to ask him the question.
LeTisha: So did you?
TL: I had to.
LeTisha: So, how did you go from a loving embrace to asking him a question that could be the end of your marriage?
TL: I looked up at him and just asked…is it true? After that I collapsed to the floor again. I had no strength.
LeTisha: What did he do?
TL: He fell to his knees and started to cry. He just looked down at the floor. He couldn’t even look at me. I just knew it was true. We just held each other and cried. He kept saying how sorry he was, and that he didn’t want to lose me. I remember that for some reason his words should have made me feel better, they actually made me angrier.
LeTisha: Because if he didn’t want to lose you, then why would he risk it all by having an affair right?
TL: Exactly. I looked at him and basically asked that very question, and at first he said he didn’t know why. I told him that was an unacceptable answer, and he better start talking or he could just pack his s*** and go right then. We got up off the floor and sat on the couch. He just said he had been feeling low, and she made him feel good about himself. I asked him why he didn’t talk to me about how he was feeling, and he said he didn’t want me to think it had anything to do with me, or our marriage. I said, how do you think I feel now that I know you chose to bed some whore, rather than just tell me what you were going through. He said he hadn’t really thought about it that way. He said he just started talking to her at work, and one thing led to another. I told him that this was not a f***ing movie, and one thing doesn’t just lead to another, that there had to be planning when you’re going to f*** another woman.
LeTisha: Good for you.
TL: I told him he better tell me everything I want to know or else. So, he said that she was easy to talk to, and she was very sympathetic to how he felt at the time. I asked him how exactly he was feeling, and he said he had been feeling lonely, unattractive, and questioning whether or not he wanted to stay married. That last part took my breath away because I had no idea he was questioning our marriage.
LeTisha: You two weren’t having any marital strain at the time?
TL: I mean, both our kids were finally out of the house, so there were some awkward moments where we found ourselves only talking about when the kids were home. I guess it was odd trying to find more things in common with each other than just our children. But I didn’t see that as anything serious. Definitely not to the point of thinking we didn’t belong together anymore.
LeTisha: Wow, so that “empty-nest syndrome” can really impact a relationship more than most of us would know. I don’t have any children so I don’t have any experience with that.
TL: I had heard about that, but it just seemed like we needed to adjust, not full on re-examine our marriage.
LeTisha: Well of course not.
TL: I asked him how long he had been seeing her, and he said for a few months. I asked him when, because he was always home at around his normal time, and he said they would meet during lunch breaks. I asked him if he had sex with that woman in the car that we both drive, and he said yes. I was absolutely disgusted. I asked him didn’t he feel dirty having sex in a car, in our car, and he said he didn’t think about it. I asked him if he was in love with her, and he said no. I asked him if he loved her, and he said no. He asked me how I found out, and I told him that the b**** called and told me. He said he was sorry that I found out that way. I asked him if we would have told me if she didn’t, and he said yes. He said he planned on telling me today. I said, oh yeah, were you thinking about how to tell me today while you were in her shower you f***ing a**hole? He just looked down. I got up and walked away.
TL: Because in that moment I realized that he hadn’t too long left her house after having sex with her, and I was completely disgusted. He got up to follow me, and I screamed at him to not follow me. He had the nerve to say that we needed to talk about this. I turned around, and the look on my face must have told him exactly how I was feeling because he backed off.
LeTisha: Do you remember what “face” you made?
TL: I can only say that it was a mix of infuriation and “are you f***ing kidding me?” The time to talk was BEFORE you stuck your d*** in another woman!
LeTisha: That’ll do it.
(We both laugh)
LeTisha: So, what did you do after that initial talk with him?
TL: Surprisingly I had stopped crying. I went into the kitchen to make us dinner.
LeTisha: That’s interesting.
TL: I guess, but I just needed a moment of relief, a moment of what I knew to be normal between us, and cooking is something I love to do for my family.
LeTisha: Did you eat dinner with him?
LeTisha: What was that like?
TL: Believe it or not, it was normal. I mean, we didn’t talk much. Little things were said like this is really good, thank you, do you want seconds? Little stuff like that.
LeTisha: What happened after dinner?
TL: I went in the bedroom while he cleaned the kitchen. It has never taken him so long to wash the dishes before. I’m sure he didn’t know whether he should try and talk to me some more, or just leave me alone.
LeTisha: What did you want at that moment?
TL: I was ready to talk some more.
LeTisha: What else did you want to know?
TL: Well, what was bothering me the most was how I missed the signs if he was dealing with what sounded like depression. I wanted. No, I needed to know why he really didn’t talk to me about it. We had never kept anything from each other before. We talked about everything, even if it meant some hurt feelings, so why was this any different.
LeTisha: Did you believe his reasoning for why he didn’t talk to you, and that that’s what led to him being unfaithful?
TL: Some part of me needed to believe him. It was better than him telling me he just didn’t love me anymore.
LeTisha: I get that. So, what have you decided to do?
TL: Well, he is still at home. I truly haven’t made a decision either way. Some days I think I am Wonder Woman and I feel like I don’t deserve this, and I can kick him out, and I will be just fine without him. Other days, I realize I am still very much in love with my husband, and I ask myself is this indiscretion worth letting go of over 2 decades of a happy marriage. What did you do?
LeTisha: I felt the exact same way. Moments of unbelievable emotional strength. Telling myself I could do better, and I deserved better. To balling uncontrollably at the thought of not being married anymore. I NEVER wanted a divorce. I was in it for sickness and in health, better or worse. Even through him having a baby with her, I was willing to work it out if he would have me. I held on to a sad fantasy where he got everything he wanted, while I settled for what he gave me. As hard as it was for me, I ultimately ended up divorcing him.
TL: So do you think I should leave?
LeTisha: I would NEVER presume to tell anyone what they should do in their marriage. I will also never judge what people decide to do about their marriage. You have to decide by yourself if this is not only forgivable, but also something you can truly move past and allow him to re-earn your trust. I do know that couples who stay together after unfaithfulness, but who continue to bring up the affair, end up divorcing; not because of the affair itself, but because of the inability to move past the affair, and really give the spouse the chance to prove their re-devotion. So, my only advice is to take as much time as you need, and make a decision that centers around YOUR happiness, and your happiness alone.
TL: Thank you. I appreciate that. I’ll let you know what I decide.
LeTisha: And always feel free to reach out to me if you need someone who understands to talk with.
TL: Thank you.
LeTisha: You’re welcome. So, I only have a couple of other questions if that’s ok.
LeTisha: How do you feel about Catherine?
TL: I f***ing hate her!
LeTisha: Wow, you didn’t hesitate to answer that! Why such animosity towards a woman who doesn’t know you, and you don’t know her?
TL: Because she’s a woman, and she knew he was married. I am sure she’s experienced betrayal at some point in her life, so for her to do this to another woman makes my blood boil.
LeTisha: I completely get that. But why don’t you seem to feel that same depth of resentment towards your husband.
TL: Oh I do, but he is my husband, and he and I both vowed to stay together for better or for worse, like you said. Because we took those vows before God, I feel more able to forgive him than I do her. For women to be willing to betray other women this way just feels so wrong. I don’t know how to explain it fully, I’m sure you do a great job of it in your book.
LeTisha: It is hard to explain. I just know that you and I are absolutely not alone in our feelings towards mistresses. I do feel that I’ve done a good job of explaining it in the book. It has a lot to do with the simple fact that we women have a bond simply because we are women. We have a cathartic connection, an unspeakable bond that is supposed to include protecting each other’s hearts. We don’t seem to care to want to do that.
TL: Exactly. See, I knew you would be able to explain it.
LeTisha: Well TL, this is the end of the interview. Anything else you would like to add.
TL: Not really. Maybe just that I hope that women will really open their eyes after reading this, and after reading your book, and come together. We are better than this.
LeTisha: I 100% agree. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so willing to share your story with us. I hope that whatever decision you make leads you back to genuine joy. We’ll talk again soon.
TL: Yes we will, and you are very welcome.
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