The feeling of unity while doing this interview with a scorned wife was palpable even though it was conducted by phone. I reached out to some ladies I knew had endured the life-changing circumstance of being betrayed by their husbands. Quite a few volunteered to participate. I thank you all.
My interviewee preferred to stay anonymous, but consented to the use of her initials, TL. So, here is part 1, of what might be a series, of a real-life interview with a scorned wife:
LeTisha: Thank you so much for being a part of this for me, well really, for all of us.
TL: Thank you for choosing me.
LeTisha: Let’s start off with how long you’ve been married.
TL: We have been married for 22 years.
LeTisha: Wow, that is forever by today’s standards.
TL: I know, and I expected it to be forever.
LeTisha: Are you still married?
TL: Yes, I only found out about the affair about 4 months ago
LeTisha: Oh wow, so this is incredibly fresh for you. I am so sorry.
TL: Thanks. Yeah, I am still in my head about it. Some moments I feel like I’m in a nightmare, and all I have to do is just wake up.
LeTisha: I am sure a lot of wives will relate to that. So, how did you find out?
TL: That disgusting whore had the audacity to call me.
LeTisha: What? Do you mind telling me about it?
TL: Not at all. That’s why we’re doing this
(We both giggled after TL said that, it was as if we needed to laugh to prepare our hearts for the heaviness we were about to enter into.)
TL: I was at home, and my cell phone rang. It was a blocked number, so I hit ignore the first time. Right when I was sat the phone back down on the table, it rang again. It was a blocked number again, and I don’t know why, but for some reason I answered it that time. I said hello, and I was fully prepared to go off on a telemarketer, and tell them not to call me anymore, but I heard a lady’s voice, and she asked is this TL. I said, who is this, and she said Catherine. I said, why are you calling me, and how did you get my number. This b**** had the nerve to say, “I will be the one asking the questions.” I wanted to hang up on her, but I couldn’t. I said, look b****, you called me, so either you answer my question’s, or this conversation ends right here. So, she told me she got my number from my husband’s cell phone. I asked, why were you going through my husband’s cell phone?
(I interrupt TL for a moment, because I don’t want to miss any of the emotions of that moment)
LeTisha: May I interrupt you for just a second. I would really like to know how you were feeling physically at the moment when you asked why she was going through your husband’s cell phone.
TL: I was shaking almost uncontrollably from the moment she told me her name. In just the few seconds it took to get to the question about my husband’s phone, I was feeling light-headed, and had sat down on my sofa.
LeTisha: Ok, thank you. Please continue with the conversation.
TL: So, I asked why she was going through my husband’s phone, but before she could answer that, I asked her where they were that she was able to even get her hands on his phone. She said she went through his phone while he was in the shower…at her house.
LeTisha: Oh my God. What was that moment like if you remember?
TL: I felt like I was transported to another world. I remember exactly how I felt. I remember the room felt like it was spinning. I remember my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest, and I remember wanting to cry but holding it in because I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. I also remember being cognizant of the fact that I was just staring…I couldn’t blink, I couldn’t even speak for a moment. It felt like I was having an out of body experience. Like I was watching a movie about my life, all in a matter of seconds.
(I can hear TL’s voice begin to tremble. I knew the tears were about to break through.)
LeTisha: I remember feeling that way as well when I got that phone call from my ex’s mistress. Do you need to take a moment?
TL: No, I’m ok. I don’t mind if you hear me cry, but I wasn’t about to let her hear me that way.
LeTisha: I understand that. Now that I think about it, I never cried while on the phone with, or when I was face to face with that woman either. I guess that’s the piece of our dignity we refuse to give to them.
LeTisha: So, this woman has just told you that she got your number while your husband was in her shower. Was she speaking in the present tense, like was he there at that moment? I mean, it could have been days, even weeks before that that had taken place.
TL: I assumed she was speaking about it in the present tense. She was kind of whispering, well not exactly whispering, but speaking low enough like she didn’t want him to hear her.
LeTisha: Did you ask her why she was calling you?
TL: Of course. That was my very next question. I asked, so why are you calling me Catherine? She said it was because she wanted to know the truth, and she thought the only way she would get it would be by calling me.
LeTisha: Isn’t it insane that these women want to know the truth, when they are the ones involved in a lie? Adultery is an inherently deceitful act, so if they’re having sexual relations with a married man, they are involved in a lie. What else do they really need to know right?
TL: Exactly. But I guess they feel like they might be being lied to as well, so they do what they need to do to find out the truth. She said she wanted to know if we were really separated like he had told her. I told her that I was not about to be questioned about my marriage by a homewrecking whore. She said she didn’t know about me at first, like that made it any better.
LeTIsha: I know right?
TL: She said she was not a whore, that she only found out a couple of weeks before that he was married. I asked her how long they had been seeing each other, and she said for about 3 months. I said, so you’ve known he has a wife for at least 2 weeks but you’re still messing around with him? She paused for a long time which pissed me off, so I said, that makes you a whore! And then I hung up.
LeTisha: What was going through your mind after you hung up on her?
TL: I just remember thinking I couldn’t wait for him to get home.
LeTisha: You didn’t immediately call him?
TL: Ohhhh no, I didn’t want to give him any advanced notice so he could try and think of lies to spew before he got home. I wanted to watch his face while he tried to come up with the lies. I wanted to see his initial reaction when I told him to pack his s*** and get out.
LeTisha: I understand. How were you feeling, what were your thoughts?
TL: I remember looking over at our wedding picture on the mantel. I went over to it, and that was when I just lost it. I crumbled to the floor. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. I felt demolished. I felt unloved. I felt dirty. I felt alone. My heart was literally aching. Tisha it hurt so bad; I can’t even put it into words.
(We are both crying at this moment)
LeTisha: TL I can only say…you were not alone. I remember having all those exact same feelings and emotions. My heart hurt so bad that I thought I was going to have a heart attack at any moment. You’re right, there are not descriptive enough words to express the pain. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
TL: Thank you. The pain is still raw.
LeTisha: And it will be for a while.
TL: I appreciate you telling me that. I mean, I know my friends and family mean well, but all the “stay strong’s”, and “you’ll get through this,” and the “just move ons,” don’t help. If a person hasn’t gone through it, they just don’t know really what to say. But you telling me the truth, that the pain isn’t just going to go away, helps me deal with reality.
LeTisha: Well, reality is what it is for us. We have to find a way to live with the pain, not from day to day, but moment to moment. I told you it’s been about 9 years since what I went through, but at moments, the pain to my heart can feel just as fresh as it did all those years ago. I hope it’s not that way for you. I just want you to know that it takes real time to learn to deal with the emotions of it all. It doesn’t just “go away,” and trying to be strong is very different from actually being strong. Strength will come from crying when you need to cry; screaming when you need to scream. Believe it or not, you might even gain strength in those moments when you let him hold you through the tears. We all get strength in different ways.
TL: I agree 100%.
LeTisha: Are you able to return to that moment when you were on the floor?
TL: I remember just rocking back and forth. I was hugging the picture like it was my lifeline. I just kept having flashes of our wedding day, and the part where he told me he would never, ever do anything to lose my trust, or to break my heart. He promised me forever. I don’t know how to explain it, but I was hurting, and I was livid all at the same time. I wanted to take the picture out of the frame and tear it up, but I found myself just staring at his face, and looking at my own face because I was so happy in that picture. I felt beyond betrayed because I thought we had a wonderful marriage. I couldn’t imagine what I had done that would make him do something so awful to me…to us.
LeTisha: Isn’t it crazy how we almost immediately turn the betrayal on ourselves? We wonder what we did wrong that brought it about.
TL: Yeah, because isn’t that why they cheat? They aren’t happy with what their wives are doing, or not doing, so they seek to get it elsewhere right?
LeTisha: I think that that’s a justification for why they cheat. However, the truth of the matter is, they cheat because they’re selfish, and they’re seeking to fulfill a selfish desire.
TL: I know that is true, but I admit that I’m still very much in the self-blaming head space. I think that’s normal.
LeTisha: It does seem to be the norm, at least that’s what I gathered from the many letters that wives sent to me for my book. It’s unfortunate that we blame ourselves for what’s lacking in a lying cheater, but it’s honest and helpful that we admit we do so.
TL: That’s what this all about right? Women being honest, not only with themselves, but with each other so that we can try and let each other know what we go through so that whore’s like that Catherine can see the pain that they cause other women. I really hope your book does well Tisha. It’s about time we have a real conversation about how awful women treat each other.
LeTisha: Thank you, that is exactly why I decided to finally write it. If we don’t look out for each other, then all is lost in our woman to woman dynamic. If I may, let’s go back to those moments after that phone call ended. Do you know how long you stayed on that floor?
TL: It seemed like forever. It could have been a few minute’s, it could have been hours. All I know is that the sadness I felt was deep, and I knew I would never be the same. I even had moments when I thought, well, hoped, that it was not true. I pulled myself together because I realized that I had not even heard his side of the story. For all I knew, that could have been a woman who just wanted my husband, and she was just trying to break us up. I needed to keep thinking that in order to pull myself up off that floor. I began to feel guilty for having believed some stranger, and not giving my husband of 22 years the benefit of the doubt.
LeTisha: And let me guess, that guilt heaped on top of the fear that what she said was true was a whole new level of being overwhelmed wasn’t it?
TL: Oh my gosh yes!
(We both laugh)
TL: When I got up off the floor, I went to the bathroom to rinse my face. I felt relief for the moment realizing that all of what she said could be a complete lie. My head and heart were in total conflict with each other. My heart believed it was true, my head was being more rational. While I was drying my face, I heard the garage door open. I almost fainted. My heart fell in my stomach. I didn’t know how I was even going to broach the subject. I didn’t even know how to approach him. Our norm was a kiss and a hug anytime one of us returned home. I remember looking in the mirror, and telling myself…”just don’t lose it before you even get the question out.” I turned off the light, looked at myself in the mirror again, and headed back to the living room. I remember shaking all over, and feeling like I wanted to throw up.
TL: Because I had question’s I didn’t really want the answers to.
LeTisha: Yeap, many of us know that feeling.
TL: My last thought before I saw him was, ‘am I going to end my marriage if he tells me it’s true?’ I saw him, he came toward me to kiss and hug me, and I…
That’s it for now readers. You will have to wait until next week to read the conclusion of my interview with a scorned wife. Please be sure and read some of the real-life letters from wives to mistresses in previous posts. They are excerpts from my upcoming book, “Woman to Woman: Letters from Wives to Mistresses.”
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