Not Man Bashing: Enough Blame to Go Around

Hello my supportive readers! I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend. I wasn’t quite sure of what I wanted to post about again this week, but like last week, a topic presented itself. The husband of a friend of mine approached me to talk about the topic of my book. He wanted to know if I had given thought to the reasons behind why a husband might stray in his marriage. He offered up some reasons for why a husband might feel provoked into making such a decision. I assured him that I had given that a lot of thought. To me, there is no way to write a book about adultery, share my personal story, and be an effective and honest writer, if I don’t consider the perspectives of all involved.

The excuses, reasons, or justifications we hear for why a person cheats include, but are not limited to: they felt, or were being neglected; their partner was no longer having sexual relations with them; their partner was no longer attractive to them (or the partner no longer found them attractive); the sex is no longer exciting, and other reasons specific to each one’s marriage. I know of men who cheated simply because they were jealous of the time their wives were giving to their newborn. So, the reasons, or rather, excuses, are there. Their isn’t a very long list of reasons/excuses, but to me they all boil down to the same thing. My opinion is that people cheat because they possess a selfishness that doesn’t give enough thought to, or they simply don’t care enough about, the devastating effect their unfaithfulness will have on their partner, and their family as a whole. Whether it be an ego that needs to be stroked, or they are looking for sexual partners that will welcome more open boundaries of sexual acts in the boudoir, the person that is unfaithful to their marriage mate is putting their physical needs above the emotional and mental needs of their mate, and their marriage.

My friend wanted to make sure that my upcoming publication is not just another “man bashing” book. I understand that concern, and I will say again to him, to you all, that that is not what my book is about at all. In fact, my book has very little to do with men directly. My book is centered on women, and women only. “Legs Wide Open: The Betrayal Breaking the Bonds of Sisterhood,” focuses on a key aspect of our woman to woman relationship that is missing, and that is loyalty. As I mentioned in my last post, my book delves into the topic of adultery, with a focus on “the other woman,” or the “mistress,” as they are still known as. The focus on them is not to bash them per se, but it is to take them to task on how their actions have, and are, damaging the woman to woman relationship. We have all heard the saying that “the future looks female,” well I surmise that in order for that to happen, women have to build the bonds of loyalty.

More to that end. I don’t believe one can say they fully support women, if it only takes the want of a man to make them lose their compassion, respect, loyalty, and consideration for another woman. That loyalty from woman to woman has to include having respect for another woman’s relationship, and more poignantly, their marriage…their family. I state in my book: “Our amazing gender will stand together to protect each other’s rights.  We will stand together to protect each other’s children.  However, when it comes to a man, we forget to protect each other’s hearts.

Each person involved in a wayward adulterous relationship has accountability, even the person being cheated on to some degree. I cannot speak to what those are for each person, I can only speak to my own. My responsibility in my husband’s affair had nothing to do with what he was doing to me with his selfish actions. Rather, my responsibility was in what I was doing to myself. My ownership in it had to do with what I was allowing myself to accept. I, to this day, accept that as much as I loved my husband, I should not have married him. I was aware of his propensity to stray long before we took those vows. My ex-husband’s responsibility is obvious…he cheated. The culpability of the woman he cheated with was she not only knew he was married, and chose to get involved with him anyway, but how she directly contributed to my pain, and it was heart-wrenching. You will have to read the book to find out what I went through, what she said to me that really was the catalyst for me writing this book, and why my focus is on the women. We have to treat each other like we know each other…because we do. I am you, and you are me. Women have a connection just because we are women. We know each others sensitivities. We can be stranger’s, and still feel each other’s heartache. That is how powerful our bond is, but it has been broken due to the lack of loyalty, and respect that we have for one another.

Thank you dear friend for giving me today’s blog topic. I heard you. Women have been listening to men for ions of time. That’s why my book is getting women to listen, not to men, but to each other. My book will help us talk, woman to woman.

Speaking of “woman to woman,” I think I may go back to my original book title because it really speaks to what my book is all about. Women have to listen to each other in order to be there for each other. We cannot build up our bond of sisterhood if we don’t truly take in what our sisters are saying to us.

So in summary, there is enough blame to go around. The real issue is how we women are going to rebuild the bonds of our sisterhood, and I happen to believe that strengthening up our loyalty to each other is the key.

Give me your thoughts on this blog, and whether or not you think I should go back to my original book title: “Woman to Woman: The Betrayal Breaking the Bonds of Sisterhood.”

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Thank you for your generous time, and support. I really appreciate you all.